We owe Chinese government corruption a debt of gratitude

Let’s be honest here, we owe local Chinese government corruption a debt of gratitude. If it weren’t for them allowing this novel virus to spread, infecting hundreds of thousands, if not millions of people, we’d all still be going about our day as normal.

Here’s what that would look like:

• Not seeing our significant other for 12 hours a day.
• Not seeing our children for twelve hours a day, and then spending the precious few hours we have at home actively ignoring them, along with our partners.
• Desperately searching Amazon for Vitamin D supplements as we haven’t felt the warmth of the sun on our faces for at least the last six years, and we fear becoming a vampire as that would mean drinking our boss’s blood, and they’re really just a terrible person with acid in their veins.

Instead, this is what COVID-19 has brought us:

• Lower pollution. As we drive less and our manufacturing and industrial activities have ground to a halt, our burning of long dead dinosaurs is sliding to a slow crawl. A backward crawl, really, like some babies do. The ones who have no coordination and will never play quarterback for the 49ers.
• Hey, we’re getting less fat. As we sit at home, laid off, or pretending to work from home, we have more time to go outside, walk around, move our bodies. We’re becoming fitter people.
• On that note, we’re eating out less, so we’re consuming far less junk food. Less cows eaten means less methane, so back to lower pollution. Also, less heart disease, which is good as it appears COVID-19 really likes to kill people with heart conditions. (Sorry, I don’t make the rules).
• If you do need to drive somewhere, less traffic. Less road rage. Less wear and tear on your car. So, you can put those gas, tire and oil change savings into desperately trying to pay your rent that you can no longer afford (and could barely afford in the first place) because you’re out of work with zero prospects of finding new employment anytime soon what with 3 million other people filing for unemployment in the last week, just like you.

So, as you can see, life really is better being stuck at home with a partner and children and dogs and cats and fish you gleefully spent the last decade or more running away from every morning as you looked forward to your too long commute with bad coffee and half dozen donuts shoved into your mouth as you road raged your way down a barely moving highway (at least no one calls it an “expressway” anymore, right?) and then frantically tried to find parking in the too small lot where you didn’t have to walk more than 20 feet to the front door (because who walks anymore?) to sit for 10 hours a day in a barely held together by Scotch tape chair working on a too old computer with an even older monitor that makes your already bad eyes worse turning you into a bat (which explains why your voice is now more of a screech than that deep melodious phone sex operator voice you’re sure you had when you first met your partner and thought you loved them instead of the idea of killing them) which with your lack of sun exposure you’re sure will lead you to become a vampire and then you’ll have to drink your boss Gary’s blood just to survive but you’re sure he’s a demon of the worst kind with acid for blood and then you’ll be dead anyway.

So, yes, as we hunker down and pray the psychopath in the White House doesn’t find another incompetent way to kill us all, give thanks to the corrupt Chinese officials who hid the severity of this hitherto unknown disease that has now blanketed the world in its cold, killing embrace, for we are all now forced to reconnect with our families, get some sun, and stop polluting ourselves to extinction.